For me, growing up "Native" seemed like an accessory to hold rather than an identity to claim. Growing up separated from the land that your people are native to makes it somewhat difficult to retain a solid connection. Not only that, but trying to connect to a dying heritage that only one parent was tied to was another factor in diluting my ability to reach out to what I saw as a hazy yet illustrious ancestral past.
Hawai'i was a far off "home" that I was allowed to call home simply because I was born with certain blood. My mom did my best to communicate words and songs and names here and there but no matter her efforts, I still felt an outsider whenever I visited. I didn't understand why I didn't "feel my ancestors" like the book of Hawaiian legends I got for Christmas said happened. I was a Hawaiian in Hawai'i - why didn't it feel right?
It wasn't until I attended summer camp at Kamehameha Schools that I discovered that I was looking at it wrong. I kept trying to see what the puzzle pieces were to a "good Hawaiian" were - hula, 'ukulele, eating the food, wearing swap meet shirts - instead of connecting to the deeper parts of the culture that my mom had been embedding into me my whole life. At Kamehameha, our leaders taught us about our ancestors and their relationship with nature. They taught us about our spirit of cheerfulness and our unending curiosity. They told stories of how they experienced and spread the spirit of aloha and that that's what made them feel truly Hawaiian.
This was something that I had realized that my mom had been implicitly imparting onto me as she raised me and in this I was starting to feel fulfilled in being an active part of my cultural community. Even the token Hawaiian things I had done before to feel more connected actually felt like they meant something: the ring of my instruments, the steps in each dance, the stories in every chant. They felt more real than ever. Even 2500 miles away from my home - I am still proud to say that I am Hawaiian through and through. And I am walking where my ancestors have walked.
Hawai'i was a far off "home" that I was allowed to call home simply because I was born with certain blood. My mom did my best to communicate words and songs and names here and there but no matter her efforts, I still felt an outsider whenever I visited. I didn't understand why I didn't "feel my ancestors" like the book of Hawaiian legends I got for Christmas said happened. I was a Hawaiian in Hawai'i - why didn't it feel right?
It wasn't until I attended summer camp at Kamehameha Schools that I discovered that I was looking at it wrong. I kept trying to see what the puzzle pieces were to a "good Hawaiian" were - hula, 'ukulele, eating the food, wearing swap meet shirts - instead of connecting to the deeper parts of the culture that my mom had been embedding into me my whole life. At Kamehameha, our leaders taught us about our ancestors and their relationship with nature. They taught us about our spirit of cheerfulness and our unending curiosity. They told stories of how they experienced and spread the spirit of aloha and that that's what made them feel truly Hawaiian.
This was something that I had realized that my mom had been implicitly imparting onto me as she raised me and in this I was starting to feel fulfilled in being an active part of my cultural community. Even the token Hawaiian things I had done before to feel more connected actually felt like they meant something: the ring of my instruments, the steps in each dance, the stories in every chant. They felt more real than ever. Even 2500 miles away from my home - I am still proud to say that I am Hawaiian through and through. And I am walking where my ancestors have walked.
No comments:
Post a Comment