My Identity- Leia Final

I received my Indian name from my grandfather, Peter Mermejo, as is the tradition in my Pueblo tribe for grandparents to give traditional Picuris names to their family's newborn. My Picuris name is pronounced, “Paw-tho-mo-ba’am,” which in English translates as, “misty rain flower,” representing the fine mist from a waterfall, spraying on flowers growing along a river's bank. During prayer, and especially for blessing after entering our kiva, we have to whisper our names as we breathe on our corn meal, to honor Mother Spirit for creating us. While I was given this name by my grandpa, I was also named Leia Jade by my parents, Sage Mermejo and Joe Varga, who both loved the movie and book series, “Star Wars.” My first and middle names are two of their favorite heroines, both who are fierce warriors called Jedi, and are also courageous, compassionate leaders. Each of my names, that I have been given by family, have sometimes made me question my identity, as someone who is both Native American and Anglo. My mom is half Native American and half Irish descent, while my dad is Anglo, with two grandfathers having immigrated to America, one from England, the other from Hungary. My parents’ cultural backgrounds often impelled me to question my cultural identity, because although I am a quarter Native American, I have sometimes felt that this quantity of “Indian blood” is not enough to identify with as being Native. However, after being raised in Pueblo traditions, attending the Santa Fe Indian School, and residing on my tribe's reservation for the past four years, I feel differently about my Native identity.

From seventh to twelfth grade, I attended the Santa Fe Indian School, a residential school for Native American students, which is owned and operated by the nineteen Pueblo tribes of New Mexico. The experience of attending an institution which supported Pueblo culture and education, markedly influenced how I perceive my Native identity. At the school, I felt like being Native was appreciated and respected, and that it did not matter what percentage of “Indian blood quantum” a person was depicted on a piece of government documentation. The fact a person was Native meant each student belonged to the Santa Fe Indian School community. As a student at the Santa Fe Indian School, I appreciated how Native people are connected to each other through our culture and traditions. Despite my fair skin, hair and eyes, in my heart and mind, I will always be a Native with a Pueblo heritage that should never be disregarded or forgotten. Having lived on my tribe's reservation these past few years, has also strengthened my connection with my Native community, and especially, our traditional customs and doings.

After becoming displaced following a house fire in Santa Fe in 2013, my family and I moved into my grandfather’s house, located on our tribe's reservation, Picuris Pueblo. The transition from visiting our reservation only a few times a year for our traditional doings and dances, to living there permanently, has been a remarkably, amazing experience. I truly appreciate living close to my relatives, and especially, learning more about our history, language and traditions. While growing up, I only remembered some of the traditional doings in the seasonal visits my family made to Picuris throughout the year. I would also try to retain everything my grandpa, relatives and mother would teach me, such as the meanings of ceremony, clans and stories. Still, living in modern society, my beliefs and culture were challenged. Yet, while residing on my reservation, I have become more appreciative of my tribal community and how traditional beliefs, such as caring and honoring our world, belong in a modern existence. Since living on my reservation, I feel more connected to my community, my family, and the ways of our culture. 

Although I had once felt like I was divided between two different worlds, Native and Anglo, and which one I identify with, I feel like my experiences from both attending a Native school, like the Santa Fe Indian School, and having a home on my reservation, have helped me come to the realization that even though I am only part Native, my blood quantum does not make me any less Native, for it is who I am. I also no longer feel like there is barrier between the two worlds. I am proud and grateful to be from both. Every day, I embrace the name that my parents bestowed upon me, and the Picuris name that my grandpa honored me. I carry in my heart, my family, my community, and my culture and our traditions, each an integral part of my identity.